FASTEST CAT

Both Japanese and English versions of the short story are included.


　　　　　　　　 　　　　　　　　　 NEKOTAMMA


第１話　出発

　私は猫の探偵です。ただの探偵ではありません。実は人の心を読むことが出来る猫の忍者でもあります。そして、現代から過去まで自在に歴史を旅する能力を持つ、変わったエスパーな猫なのです。名は三蔵といいます。猫の忍びなので、組織に入らず、気楽に毎日生きています。ねこじゃらしをいつも口に咥えています。大抵の場合、人はそれで遊んでくれます。油断させるためです。忍びだも～ん。
　さて、この度、ひょんなことから、時空を旅して、歴史的な事件の真相を突き止め、記事を送る探偵の仕事を引き受けました。その理由は歴史を旅する金田一のようでハクがつくかなと思ったからですが、人間の超能力者に依頼がいかずに、猫の私を選ぶとはお目が高い。
　人間の忍者には、伊賀や甲賀、風魔など色々ありますが、それぞれにサイキッカーを抱えています。映画やテレビによく出てくるFBIやCIAが超能力捜査官などを抱えているのと似たようなものです。でも、所詮人間です。人間には総じて欠点があります。
　人間の欠点は、つい怒ってしまうことです。忍びに限らず、統治する者にも、一般人にもよく見受けられます。ましてや、侍などは怒るとすぐに刀の鯉口をカチャッと切ります。堪忍袋の緒が切れるのです。そんな場に居合わせると、吾輩は、お腹がキンチョーしてオナラが出てしまいます。
　ちなみに私ごとですがオナラをプーしますと、その瞬間、私は自在に時をかけることができるようになります。弱点が武器です。
　さて、人も悪いところばかりではありません。人間は、名言や格言など、いい言葉をたくさん残してきました。その中で私が一番お気に入りの言葉は、「怒っちゃやーよ」です。
「相手の怒りを鎮めたい」という、愛嬌と悲しげな表情が入り混じって発せられるこの言葉のコミカルな表現は、人間の歴史を考えてみると、とてもユーモアのある、味わい深い優れたものだと思っています。
　私たちは毎日、仕事や生活をしていますが、その日に経験した、言葉にできないさまざまな思いを自分の心に抱えて、帰宅する人もいるでしょう。しかし、家族が全員帰宅する頃、街の明かり全体をつくっている光が一つ一つ灯りだします。その窓の中で、テレビからこのギャグが流れると、子どもたちは面白いからと声の調子を真似し、男性も女性もお年寄りもテレビの前で一緒に笑った時代がありました。
　ちなみに、好きな人物は、「春風を以って」の、あの佐藤一斎です。
　吾輩も、時をかけるにあたり、秋霜のような厳しさで務めを果たし、人間の行いに対しては、出来るだけ己の春風をもって接したいと思います。
　出発の目出度い門出で、祝砲はありませんが、スタートラインで、緊張したところで、ネコオナラプーっとな。
「シュッパァーツ！」


　　　第２話　ワールドツアー

　　私はご依頼どおり、歴史を旅しています。
　しかも、今回のミッションは、ワールドツアーです。
　ちなみに、ニンジャの世界で、私は最速です。
　なぜかって？
　足の数が、人間の2倍だから。
　ちなみに、亀とよく比較されますが、最近の亀は二足歩行でしょ。
　ゆえに、私が最速です。
　それで先程、ついハリウッドの絨毯の上を歩くような感じで言ってみたんです。
　The fastest time traveler.
　英語でカッコつけたら、おなかが緊張して、ネコオナラプー。

　猫忍がゆく。
　歴史を旅している。

　誰かの心の中で、鯉口の音がした。
　三蔵が経過報告のため、タイムワープでできた穴を使って白い伝書鳩を飛ばす。

　ただ道を歩いているとローマにたどり着いた。
「私の言葉は法律だ」と声高に言う男が劇場に入ろうとしている。
　それなら一緒にと、私も入る。
　ブルータスという男が、この最大の政治力を持つ男を静かに見つめている。
　劇場の廊下は緊張感に包まれていた。
　コイクチの音がした。
　厳粛な回廊で、ネコオナラプー。

　ワープした。
　中国の皇帝が、日本の使いが気に入って、国に返さないと言っている。
　コイクチの音がした。
　ネコオナラプー。

　んー、道に迷った。
　カノッサって書いてある。
　坊さんに王様が跪いている。
　コイクチの音がした。
　ネコオナラプー。

　ワープした。
　19歳の女性が皆を勝利に導いている。
　しかし、彼女は散々利用された挙句、最後は火あぶりにされた。
　誰に？
　コイクチの音がした。
　ネコオナラプー。

　ワープした。
　どこかの近代の国に到着したようだ。
　街角で、誰かが、他国の紛争のお陰で、景気が良くなったと話している。
　バーやレストランからは、「どこかまた別の場所で紛争が起きればいいのに」とか、「儲けたもん勝ち！」と大人たちが笑う声が聞こえてくる。
　笑っている大人たちは家に帰ると、子供たちにプレゼントの箱を手渡した。
　子供たちは気づいていただろうか。
　そのプレゼントの中には、戦時下で生きる子どもの命の重さが詰まっていたことに。
　ネコオナラプー。

　ワープした。
「私には夢がある」とキング牧師が皆に語っている。
　この人がいなかったら、人種差別問題はどうなっていただろう？
　彼は間違いなく、人々の間に築かれた差別の壁を大きく打ち破った。
　その偉人がベトナム戦争反対の演説をした数年後に暗殺された。
　コイクチの音がした。
　ネコオナラプー。

　ワープした。
　国境にトランプが壁を作っていた。
　今度はチャイナウイルスと言っている。
　アジア系住民が黒人に殴られた映像が流れている。
　キング牧師は、どんな思いで、空の上から見ていただろう。
　コイクチの音がした。
　ネコオナラプー。

　ワープして、戻ってきた。
　とある子供部屋に到着した。
　１人の子供が世界の国旗がいっぱい載った図鑑を観ている。
　ラジオからニュースが流れていた。
　帰還した世界。
　ドイツは最新戦車をウクライナに送り、アメリカはクラスター爆弾を送った。
　そして、ウクライナはそのクラスター爆弾を使用した。
　プーチンは戦略核をずっとちらつかせている。
　心の中で、コイクチの音がした。
　しかし、ワープしなかった。
　どうしてだって？
　忍者のスピードより速く、子供が、こうつぶやいたからさ。

「ネコオナラプーチン」



　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　Fastest traveler


Episode 1 Departure

　 I am a ninja cat. I am not just a ninja cat. I am a ninja cat who can read people's minds. I am also a ninja cat who has the ability to freely travel through history, from the present to the past, and I am an unusual esper cat.
　 My name is Sanzo. I am a ninja cat so I am not a member of any organization and lives comfortably every day. I'm always have a cat feather toy in my mouth. Most of the time, people play with it. This is to make them let their guard down. I am a ninja.
　 Now, by chance, I have accepted the job of a detective who travels through time and space to find out the truth about historical events and send articles.The reason for this was that I thought it would be cool to look like Sherlock Holmes traveling through history, but it was very smart of them to choose me, the cat, instead of a human esper.
　 There are many different types of human ninja, such as Iga, Koga, Fuuma, etc., each of which have their own psychics. It is similar to how the FBI and CIA, which often appear in movies and TV programs, have psychic agents. But they are only human. All humans have flaws.
　 One of the faults of human beings is that we tend to get angry. This is common not only among ninjas, but also among those who rule, as well as among ordinary people.
　 For example, in Japan's past history, samurai who did not know bushido were quick to anger and quick to draw their swords. Japanese swords are designed in such a way that when the sword is pulled out of its scabbard, a small metallic sound can be heard, and this metallic sound is called the sound of "koikuchi wo kiru"by the samurai. In other words, the "koikuchi sound" is the same in meaning as the sound made at the moment before the bullet is fired, when the firing hammer is raised and secured. It is the sound that indicates that tension has reached its limit.
　 By the way, when I hear this sound, I get nervous and my farts.
　 On a personal note, when I get nervous and fart, at that moment I am free to time warp. Weaknesses become weapons.
　 Now, mankind is not all bad. Humans have left behind many good words of wisdom and sayings. Among them, my favorite is "Okotcha ya~yo.
　 The cute and comical expression of the words, uttered with charm and sadness in the hope of "appeasing the other party's anger," still leaves a lasting impression on my mind.
　 I think it is an excellent word, very humorous and tasteful, considering the history of mankind.
　 We work and live every day, but some people may go home carrying in their hearts the various feelings that they experienced that day that cannot be put into words.
　 However, by the time the whole family goes home, the lights that make up the city lights come on one by one. There was a time when children imitated the tone of voice when this gag was played from the TV, and men, women and the elderly all laughed together in front of the TV.
　 By the way, my favorite person is Issai Sato, who is known for his words beginning with "Shunpuu," which means "Spring Breeze.
　 As I travel through history, I will try to wrap as many human deeds as possible in shunpuu, and I will try to treat historical events in the same way.
　 No celebratory gun, but at the starting line, nervous, Cat fart pooh!
　 Departure!


　 Episode 2 World tour

I am, as requested, traveling through history.
And this mission is a world tour.
By the way, I am the fastest ninja in the world.
Why?
Because I have twice as many legs as a human being.
By the way, I am often compared with tortoises, but tortoises nowadays walk on two legs, right?
Therefore, I am the fastest.

In someone's mind, I heard the sound of a sword being drawn.
I flew a white message pigeon that could come and go through the hole created by the time warp to report the progress to my client.


As I walked along the road, I reached Rome.
A man who said, "My word is law" was about to enter the theater, so I went in with him. A man named Brutus stares quietly at this man of the greatest political power. The hallways of the theater were filled with tension.
Koikuchi's sound was heard.
In the solemn cloister,cat fart pooh!

Warp.
The Chinese emperor likes the Japanese messenger and says he will not return him to his country.
Koikuchi's sound was heard.
Cat fart pooh!

Warp.
Hmm, I'm lost.
It says "Canossa.
A king is kneeling to a monk.
Koikuchi's sound was heard.
Cat fart pooh!

Warp.
A 19-year-old woman led everyone to victory.
But after being used a lot, she was burned at the stake in the end.
By whom?
Koikuchi's sound was heard.
Cat fart pooh!

Warp.
It was like arriving in some modern country.
On a street corner, an adult was talking about how the economy was booming after a conflict in another country.
From the bars and restaurants, I could hear people laughing and saying that they wished there were more conflicts somewhere else and that the economy would continue to boom.
When the laughing adults returned home, they handed boxes of presents to their children.
Did those children notice?
That inside those presents was the weight of a child's life in a war zone.
Cat fart pooh!

Warp.
"I have a dream," Martin Luther King tells everyone.
What would the problem of racism be without this man?
He has, no doubt, greatly broken down the walls of discrimination that were built between people.
The great man was assassinated a few years after giving a speech against the Vietnam War.
Koikuchi's sound was heard.
Cat fart pooh!

Warp.
President Trump was building a wall on the border.
The virus that is now prevalent, he calls it the China virus.
Now, there is a video on TV showing an Asian citizen being beaten by a black man.
I wonder what kind of thoughts Martin Luther King was watching from the sky.
Koikuchi's sound was heard.
Cat fart pooh!

I warped and came back.
The arrival point is like a child's room somewhere in the world.
One child is looking at an illustrated book full of flags of the world.
I just heard the news on the radio.
This world back from the past.
Germany has sent its latest tanks to Ukraine.
Putin is flicking strategic nuclear weapons.
In my mind, Koikuchi's sound was heard.
But I didn't warp.
Why?
Because, faster than my speed as a ninja, the child mumbled, "I'm not sure I can do this.
"Cat Fart Pooh-chin!"


　 Episode 3 Sanzo report

I came back safely today, so I will report it here.
　 So where do we start? Yes, my favorite quote is "Okotcha-ya-yo", which was handed down by a Japanese comedian who died of Corona.
　I thought that "Okotcha-ya-yo" is a very humorous and tasteful word. Because it acknowledges that uncontrollable righteous anger is a natural human emotion, but that it requires some sort of compromise.
　Now, I would like to share with you my impressions of the history of mankind.
　Hostile forces become angry and war breaks out. However, there are those who take advantage of that anger to sell state-of-the-art weapons. If the weapons are not sold, warehousing costs are incurred. They rust from moisture, so if they don't sell, they have to be oiled, and maintenance and labor costs are also high. The warehouses should be emptied as soon as possible because the price goes down as time goes on. Once the warehouses of the U.S. and German national armies are emptied, the manufactured weapons can be moved to the national armies' warehouses before they rust. Furthermore, the cost would be borne by the taxpayers of these countries. The burden of inventory would be eliminated, and even more enormous profits could be made.
　Every European banker knows this. Because if the bankers do not loan money to the military industry, they cannot pay the labor costs of the weapons factories and keep the production lines running. And of course, if the weapons are not sold, the bankers cannot collect their money.
　Who is making money with these bankers?
　They are the corporations seeking data on the human casualties caused by strategic nuclear missiles, the military industry profiting from state-of-the-art tanks and fighter jets, and the huge capitalists who own that military industry and their shareholders.
　They maneuver and instigate to make more money and gain vast amounts of money and power in exchange for the lives of the people in the combat zone and even their children. While praying for the well-being of their own children in churches, they greedily take the lives of children living in conflict areas.
　Unfortunately, that is how the history of the world has been made.
　Conversely, however,if we don't let them instigate us properly, and if we just calmly decide what we should do, we can save as many children's lives as possible that will be lost to war in the future.
It leads to the minimization of the exchange between the price the greedy get and the lives of the inhabitants in wartime.
　From now on, it will be more important for us to have calm judgment and persevering negotiating power to control our rage.
　And peace is not a vague, ambiguous word. Peace is a specific, quantifiable term for how much the banks have reduced the amount of money they lend to the munitions industry.
This figure is the key to the human proposition of how to reduce war from the earth and expand peace, a common understanding that 8 billion modern humans should have.
　The bereaved families will never see the people who lost their lives again.
　If young people and children die without being given time to enjoy their youth, it is the responsibility of modern adults.
　This is my report on my return from history.
Well, it's about time. I think white pigeons are necessary for modern times, so I leave them.
　See you later.

　Cat fart pooh!